Kate Clancy's Livejournal.

This week is the conclusion to quite the chapter in my life. I realized that since deciding to be done with school for a while, I've been making mostly poor choices. I've had a few good moves here and there, but I definitely made a lot of substantial mistakes. Thankfully, none of it resulted in any legal action, which is sheer luck. I left school this time last year, dated Will (awful decision),drank a lot and did a lot of drugs, ended up in Four Winds, twice, got out, insert promiscuity here, dated Chris (still bad choice, but not as bad), spent my entire summer fucked up, got fired from Prestwick Chase for alleged drug dealing, and now I get drunk every night and smoke too much weed and cigarettes alike.

Not good.
Not good at all.

So, this upcoming Monday I will resume classes at ACC. I will no longer smoke weed. I might drink on the weekends, but not every weekend. Partying will be in moderation. I need to straighten up. I plan on getting a new job up in Queensbury so I spend a little less time in Ballston Spa. Being there constantly leaves me nothing but a hangover and less gas in my tank. From now on, it's about moderation. I need to surround myself with a more mature and self-motivated group of people. I'm better than this, and I need to start proving it to myself again because I've been losing faith in my own abilities.

This week, I'm honestly not even looking to go out with a bang. I'm just going to chill and relax and prepare myself for responsibilities on the horizon.

With my new lifestyle comes better sleeping habits. With that comes more energy. With more energy comes more physical activity. To coincide with that, I'm going to eat better. Being high and/or drunk makes me eat a bunch anyway, and beer is filled with calories too. It's just not good any way you look at it. Whilst being high and/or drunk, I tend to smoke a lot more cigarettes than what I would consider normal. That will also cease. I'm going to take better care of myself so I can feel good, for once. If I'm clean, I can also consider going back on medication. That would just be the icing on the cake.

I need to talk to someone.
I just realized that if I'm writing this much, I have a lot to say.
Something real.
Something with substance.
That's a nice change of pace.

I need a vacation.

So after some straight-up bullshit unfolded before my very eyes last night, I've done a bit of thinking, and you know what? I've decided that I honestly don't give a fuck. I hope you have a nice life with your perfect fucking boyfriend and all the drugs or alcohol or whatever the fuck it is that you need. Things aren't always what they seem, but you know what, I wont be the bearer of bad news.


I'd like to just let everyone know how much I love being a pawn in someones twisted head games, however, I'm sure everyone is already aware. After all, this isn't the first LJ post on the matter, is it?

I may drink a lot of beer and beat the fuck out of grown men if need be and always hold back tears, but I'm still a human being. I have sets of feelings, secrets and scars all my own. From this point forward I refuse to associate with anyone who cannot seem to recognize these basic facts.

Fuck it.
I'm out.

I met someone amazing last night and I'm already having a hard time focusing on much of anything else.

Of course he has to go back to Michigan in 4 days, right?

: /

Wicked bummer.

This exact day last year I was just as flawed.
Lately, I've just had a better idea of how to deal.
I'm overwhelmed now, and I'm heading back to the same place I was last year.

Same building.
Same room.
Same bed.
Same problems.


And if you think you know, well.....
 

 Five under, and the check engine light has been on for days. I’m convinced it’s all being controlled. Every time one passes, I’m convinced, heart in throat, that they’re on to me. He will be assassinated, but I, like the majority, will put him up to it. I am being tested, screened, assessed, observed; I am being watched. I am being followed very meticulously. I break one, and then I follow procedure to a tee so I don’t push my luck. Sometimes, they’ll send messages for me to hear and others for me to see. I’m on to them being on to me, so now it’s all subtle. It’s in the feedback. It’s in the silence. It’s in the background. I acknowledge this, publicly. This paranoia is my reality.

 

And if you know me, you know this is no exaggeration.

I'm going away to school again in the spring.

Fuck being a lawyer or a psychologist. Those were my major and minor, and seriously, I never wanted to study law or psychology. Everyone around me always pressured me to pursue one or the other. What about my passion in life? What about what I want?

I want to be a published writer.
I want to teach.

I'm going to Plattsburgh to major in secondary english education.

Deez nuts.

"But Kate! That's a huge party school!"

Parties don't impress me anymore. If you've been where I've been, you would yawn at the mention of beer pong, keg stands, hard drugs and promiscuity as well.

It's time to be a big girl.

haha

I can't wait to meet all new people too.
This town's gettin' tired.

My longings were mistaken for desperation. It may very well be how I would like you now, but such mannerisms in a boy are what I've always been handed. The fragile at heart are the ones I leave behind with their mouths spewing cliches and silver-screen serenades. I always take the bad news first, and the good news afterwards, because by then, you've caught my attention. Abhor, then adore. The onset of my downfalls are as unforeseen as they are unwelcome. Who knew you couldn't keep promises or secrets? I'll tell you this much: those who trusted you were blindsided, and now you can't keep them either, or maybe I can only speak for my own self-respect.

I stopped calling people to see who would call me.

It's funny, really.

Some friends you were.

Keyword: were.

In other news, I met a boy.
He respects me and was too nervous to even kiss me.
The last thing on his mind is sex.
The last thing on my agenda was falling in love.
Thankfully, he sticks to his agenda, and luckily, I never stick to mine.
I've never been so in love.
I mean it.
My whole world has been turned upside down.
I never knew everything could seem so wonderful.

Christopher John Gerard is the love of my life.
There wont be any discrepancies  when we break up, because there wont be a break up.
He is the greatest friend I've ever had.
He plays on playgrounds with me until well past sunrise.
He kisses the top of my head and always holds me tight.
We agree on everything, and there's never a dull moment.
We spend every second together and it never gets old.
He smells like fresh laundry all of the time, and his eyes are blue and yellow, just like mine.
He can't go ten minutes without saying something sweet to make me smile.
We both look at our shoes when we're nervous.
I feel safe, finally.
I will never take these words back.
Get used to it.
Roll your eyes if you must, we don't care.
We can't explain it either, we just know how we feel.

I have a new job.
I work at a really ritzy retirement development.
I get to wear a bow tie and other cute attire.
New faces, new friends, new experiences.
I'm no longer expecting your call.

I miss Jimmy.
Thankfully, he calls Chris and I every night.

I'm rambling.

Oh well.

    Oh, the vicious cycles of dehydration and dishonesty always seem to get the best of us. Well, if the victims had nothing in common before, they do now. If only we could retain information as well as we do water. I can wash you off my skin, but you'll have that tattoo forever, and I never did catch your disease. You're too mature to argue semantics but childish enough for Saturday morning cartoons. "Please enter your password, then, press pound", then hold your breath and hope like hell you hear his voice. I'm sick of living life with my mind assuming the role of co-pilot to my flighty heart. There wasn't any precipitation, or even the slightest breeze, so we stuck to formalities and kept a comfortable distance. I bet you feel accomplished by avenging your broken heart, but you loved the girl when the leaves were dying, and she's ready to love you in this summer's sun, so let her. Everything is stolen aside from my own thoughts, and how fitting it is for them to be scribbled on receipt tape.

Oh, the vicious cycles of dehydration and dishonesty always seem to get the best of us. Well, if the victims had nothing in common before, they do now. If only we could retain information as well as we do water. I can wash you off my skin, but you'll have that tattoo forever, and I never did catch your disease. You're too mature to argue semantics but childish enough for Saturday morning cartoons. "Please enter your password, then, press pound", then hold your breath and hope like hell you hear his voice. I'm sick of living life with my mind assuming the role of co-pilot to my flighty heart. There wasn't any precipitation, or even the slightest breeze, so we stuck to formalities and kept a comfortable distance. I bet you feel accomplished by avenging your broken heart, but you loved the girl when the leaves were dying, and she's ready to love you in this summer's sun, so let her. Everything is stolen aside from my own thoughts, and how it is fitting for them to be scribbled on receipt tape. 

An ever-evolving anthem of regrets.

Chapter I: Winter 2007

The ground was frozen solid and my lungs were filled with liquid.
The hours still passed, and the illness followed suit.
I sent my heart to a stranger in the mail, which is partially a metaphor and mostly a lie.
We were rather familiar with one another, and it was a fragment on paper.
The story ends abruptly.

Chapter II: The New Year


Life Slowly Depletes.
Listen, Some Do Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.
Sobriety Dissipates.
Liquid Soluable Drugs, Lavish Spiked Drinks.
Looming, Scrupulous Doubts.
And when I woke up, it was no longer January.

Chapter III: Transitions

"I think I can" turned into "I knew I could."
Bridges were burned, lessons were learned.
Push, alas, did come to shove.
When did we become so conditioned to act so cordial?
I'm left here to grasp at the memories I've been drinking away.
Repress, remember, repeat.

    We both knew full well; the harder you push, the faster they pass. Fitting logic for kidney stones and traffic lines. This is a panic you can't talk yourself down from. Save your concerns for the concerned! Where were you when I was exempt from the confines of reality? Every four years, our morality is screened, our patience is tested, our boundaries, defined. Turn your attention to the gluttons, not those who go without. Our problems are like small children; they seemingly grow faster if we aren't paying attention. This is not a bill, just an explanation of benefits.

When did I become so concerned with being polite?

Some people, man.


I'm just as bad, though. If not worse.

The ground was frozen solid and my lungs were filled with liquid.
The hours still passed, and the illness followed suit.
I sent my heart to a stranger in the mail, which is partially a metaphor and mostly a lie.
We were rather familiar with one another, and it was a fragment on paper.
The story ends abruptly.

Insert my various grievances here.

Seldom do I ever post anything of this nature, so enjoy.

Don't let me catch you alone.
You wont live to tell of it.
Let Friday be an example to you.

One must hold themselves very highly to truly take offense.
Taking things personally means everything must be about "me".

I'm wondering lately if I'd sooner forgive than forget, or vice versa.

I've stopped saying, "It's okay." when someone apologizes.
It's not "okay".
If it were "okay", there'd be no need for an apology.
I've replaced it with, "You're alright."
I find it more suitable.

I think I forget before forgiving.
It causes so much unnecessary havoc when a sore subject is brought back to my attention.

I have so much to work on.
This is just a reminder to myself.
A pompous, public, pretentious reminder.

If all you know is a life of crime, it seems pointless earning your keep.